CITIZEN: Workflows: Frustration

Weekends always come to me and I always say to them that they're never enough. The rest of the week is gone to hell regardless of whether I wrote Early to Rise or not. I didn't write Early to Sleep, did I? So that recipe is no good.

Today, I touched the map in the morning. But then it was a walk to the bookstore, then a lunch, then training, then eating, then watching, and watching some more that leads me to back here, asking myself, 'what the hell am I doing?' What, indeed?

What would I have done different?

I would have just wanted to take the afternoon. I could have, but I wanted to go out. Then, I would have wanted the evening, but it is habitual to take it easy and have your palate cleansers and uncleansers. Perhaps I could have taken the last bit of energy, but what good does that do for Early to Rise?

So perhaps I could have the early morning. That would be tomorrow, and since tomorrow is not today, I effectively just gave up today. And now, it's too Late to sleep to be Early to Rise. Time moves forward, is the frustration is keep my body awake to write this when I should be sleeping.

I can't find minutes or seconds of time to recover, or any space in the mind to carve out. Motivation is so rare that I don't expect it anymore.

Sometimes I build up momentum, despite that it is more often a drudgery. The violence is not just in the beginning, but in each inch of travel. There's no easy part.

What am I looking for?

It would be capital to have a bit of fun with this. Or to feel that this project is going somewhere. I'm anchored to this deadweight project, unable to find the groove. There's no rhythm to it. It's stop and go. It stalls and it takes an heroic struggle to get it to totter on.

But  am I really progressing? Clearly, I've been through this bit of road more than dozens of times before. Yet it less to do with the iteration than it is the constant stopping.

I blame Time on principle. But even in Time, there's no way out but through: I ought  to use Time; I ought to find my rhythm. Discipline, anger, planning, sleeping, waking, etc, may all be parts of the answer; I have to keep on moving.

Find the rhythm, man. Or else you're dead in the water.